The Sound of Silence
You ask, “How are you? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
The feelings, the thoughts, the words. They swirl in my head. Nothing but chaos. I panic. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Again. Once more for good measure. Decode, disseminate, speak. I open my mouth and… Nothing. Eventually, I realize you are still waiting for an answer, so I nod, smile, and mumble something about being fine or tired or whatever. I lie and pretend to be normal. If we are being honest, you ask those questions hoping I will do or say exactly what I did and said.
If we are being really honest, you would rather not hear the actual answers because you do not want to unpack and process them. My mental health disturbs and scares the shit out of you. Fear activates your “fight” response and you lash out instead of listening to me. A common reaction to that which we fear; victim blaming and gaslighting the one with emotional trauma, instead of listening and accepting where maybe we may need to improve ourselves if we care and want this relationship to be sustainable.
Nothing good comes of the toxic communication that follows. My resentment only grows stronger. My trust and expectations become ever smaller. You will continue to say, do, and believe what you want. I have never controlled you. I can only control how I react; not how I feel. By sidestepping your questions, I avoid new trauma and miss the opportunity to resolve and recover from old trauma. 20 years and counting…
