It’s Okay to not Forgive
How many times have you heard: “You must forgive other people for the sake of your own mental health and happiness; refusing to forgive other people is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die,” or some other such non-sense? For me, too many times to count! I am calling bullshit! To live a full, mentally healthy and happy existence does NOT require forgiveness. Allow me to repeat: To live a full, mentally healthy and happy existence does NOT require forgiveness.
Forgiveness is an emotion. We rarely get to choose our emotions. “Fake it Until You Make It” is also a line of bullshit! (That is an entirely separate post). Telling me I MUST forgive in order to be mentally healthy and happy shifts blame BACK to me, the victim. Contrary to popular belief, there are actual victims in this world. Not everyone is “playing the victim” or has “adopted a victim mentality”.
Let me give you a personal example. A couple of years ago, someone extremely close to me willingly and knowingly hurt me — mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. As much as this person seeks to invalidate me, I am the victim of the calculated events that lead to my pain. Period. My pain is valid. My anger is valid. My unwillingness to forgive is valid. In short, ALL my emotions are valid; even a couple of years later. I will allow no one to minimize me or my emotions; especially the person who hurt me. (Gaslighting is an entirely separate post).
While we may not always choose our emotions, we can choose how we allow them to define us. In this scenario, I can choose to continue to view myself as a victim or I can reclaim my power. Rising above the pain and utter humiliation does not require forgiveness. It requires strength and determination. I, personally, refuse to allow myself to be held captive by someone else’s actions for the rest of my life. Yes, the pain is still there. Yes, the anger is still there. No, I have not forgiven the actions. No, I no longer see myself as a victim.
Back to forgiveness. In my mind, 2 things must happen before I can forgive.
#1: An Apology — A Sincere Apology.
- I’m sorry but…, is NOT a sincere apology.
- You made me [fill in the blank]… so I’m sorry, is NOT a sincere apology.
- I was wrong… sounds good, yet is still NOT a sincere apology.
- Anything that turns the apology into a laundry list of things that I did wrong, followed by an “I’m sorry”, is NOT a sincere apology.
#2: End to the Behavior
- Ongoing behavior that caused me pain is not acceptable; when it does not cease, there cannot be forgiveness.
- Continuing to hang onto mementos of the thing(s) that caused me pain is not acceptable; when it continues, there cannot be forgiveness.
- Refusing to follow through and uphold your part of mutually agreed upon boundaries is not acceptable; the longer it continues, the more damage it does and there cannot be forgiveness.
- Once is a mistake.
- Twice or continued behavior is a pattern that shows me you will not end the behavior, I will continue to be hurt, and forgiveness will not happen.
So now what? Well, all you can do is give yourself some grace. Do not berate yourself. Forgive yourself for not forgiving. You don’t owe anyone else the benefit of your forgiveness. Period.
